A letter to my teenage self

Monty, you gorgeously hot and fabulous teenage broad, it’s me, the nearly 40-year-old version of you. Surprise! Let me tell you a coupla things while you sit back and suck on your Slurpee!

You are only 15 and I know you feel like you will never ever kiss a boy because even just the thought of it makes you want to puke from nerves, but I promise you before you turn 16 you will pash someone and it will be foul and awkward but the job will get done. And you don’t spew either.

You will commit some terrible fashion crimes, like wearing Stussy pants and Blundstones because you are a victim of trends. Get used to it – this will never change.

Not every friend you make will be by your side forever. Follow your gut when it comes to the people around you, you will second guess your intuition over the years and that will bite you in the arse. You have a good read on people but be kind, compassionate and generous to yourself and others. Don’t bitch so much behind people’s backs, you know how lousy it felt when you overheard Nicole and the others talk about you in the toilets at lacrosse practise.

You should definitely go to the party Spudda is throwing while his parents are away ‘cause it will be a hoot, but you don’t have to pretend to drink. It’s actually ok if you don’t want to. It’s a total waste of West Coast Coolers if you keep opening them and then sneakily tipping them out in the bushes.

Stop stealing lipsticks from Red Earth and The Body Shop, you will never wear them.


You will watch our mum work her arse off and kick massive goals in her career; this will give you the courage and determination to go after what you want.

Be careful when you go to the Offspring concert, someone will fall on your head while crowd surfing and you will get a migraine. Maybe stay out of the mosh pit.

Don’t self-sabotage relationships – not every man leaves! You will learn your self-worth over time, mainly from the strong women you surround yourself with and you will have relationships full of love and respect, but they will take work, lots of hard work, but they will be worth it.

You will have big goals that at times will feel impossible, but they are not.


You will lose your voice at times because you don’t feel important enough, but you are.

You will build a successful business that you run with two of your best mates and it will be a success, even though every day you feel like you have no fucking idea what you are doing.

You will co-host one of the only all-women radio shows in the country and you will get to laugh your pants off every day.

You will lose the love of your life to cancer but you will find strength you never knew you had.

You will have babies that have penises and you will learn to mother those boys, even though you feel inadequate doing it majority of the time.

Life is never smooth sailing for long; you will feel the highest highs and the lowest lows and maybe that is what it’s all about.


You don’t like yourself all that much at the moment, Monty. Sure, you are a little awkward looking, but you will grow out of it and I promise you, one day you will accept yourself, maybe even love yourself a little silly too.

You got this, babe.

Oh last thing – put your Slurpee cup in the bin. Our planet is seriously fucked.

M xx

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